-B-

i’ve realised something about myself. something is wrong with me. clearly something IS wrong with me.

my mind has been in some turmoil, and my heart has been in a whirlwind. over the past few days, i felt really down. quite low about myself too. something about me just upsets me. something about what i think about things, situations.. upsets me. i think i have high expectations about it. and when i realise that i tend to have high expectations, i dare not wish for it. and when i dare not wish for it.. that makes me feel down. it seems like i’m not allowed to hope.. cos if i do, my hopes could be dashed. =( and then when i think about it, what i hope for can be achieved some day, but the thing is, with me, today is today, yesterday was yesterday, and tomorrow is tomorrow. and if i think it’s like that, why am i able to hold, keep and store emotions and thoughts for 3, 4, 5 days in a row? ironic isn’t it?

sadly, my pride sets in as well. why do i have so much pride in me? that i can’t let it go?

there are many things i can do about it. if i turn on the logical side of my mind. but then, my sentiments take a hold of me. and then, that’s the end of it. i and one other, suffer the brunt of it. SIGH!

but now, after storing it for a couple of days, i am able to let go. i can let it go for now, and then, when something like this happens again, i hope i will learn how to handle it, understand it and think on the brighter side. i know, on one part, what i have to do. but then again, i couldn’t know how to handle it. ok, that was pure crap.

well, just as things have turned a lil sweeter, a missing mode seeps in. =( i mean yeah, it’s a mere 2,3 days of stanley on the other coast..but i’m starting to miss him already. hmmmm… i hope time passes super fast. =)

ohh.. i have a cut on my skin that is burning like hell whenever i stretch it.. eeeeesh.

time to sing myself to sleep..

anyway, this blog can be considered to be a joke now. take it as a joke, if not, keep on wondering what on earth it’s about.

ask me. BRIGITTE, WHAT are you doing AWAKE at this time of the day?!

i have no idea. i was in bed, wondering if i had class. i mean, if i have class. i know i don’t have FOM class, but stats? i have no idea! i mean, it’s chinese new year, everyone’s either still in their kampungs or on the road back to kl, or just somewhere out there, still savouring the last days of holidays. well, i don’t know if i have class or not. still don’t know!!!!!!!

well, anyway, i was lying in bed for a good almost-2 hours. at first lying in bed smsing stanley. then ended up lying in bed just thinking about so many things. well, mr.stanley bernard stephen samuel went to bed soundly and happily without saying goodnight. funny ain’t it? and he’s in slumberland now… lalala, poor guy la, tired most of the time, everytime.. and he needs all the rest he can get. so it’s ok =)

earlier at night, i went out with my old schoolmate, anjhana. anju, if you’re reading this, be proud to appear in my blog! =) well, it was a really great meet up. i haven’t seen her in yonks since we last left highschool! we were suppose to meet up the last time she came down, but hehehe.. it didn’t work out. lol. but this time it did. reminiscing old times in school, talking about many people, finding out shocking truths and even more shocking current stories. it was funny. hehe. we were best friends once upon a time. and somehow our paths didn’t cross after a while, and we just remained friends. that’s good enough anyway,better than nothing. but you know, after some years, experiences and distances, i realised she’s become wiser. don’t we all become wiser somehow as we get older? go thru various experiences and encounter different people along the way? and after all that has happened, i’m really glad we’re still friends and still keep in touch =) hugs, all the best in your life my dear! and to think that we still share some similarities in some areas of life, it’s quite a thrill actually. yay.

there’s more to this life. there’s a song by steven curtis chapman "more to this life".

[start]

Today I watched in silence as people passed me by,
And I strained to see if there was something hidden in their eyes;
But they all looked at me as if to say
Life just goes on.

The old familiar story told in different ways,
Make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave;
Dream your dreams tomorrow because today
Life must go on.

[Chorus:]
But there’s more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

Tonight he lies in silence staring into space,
And looks for ways to make tomorrow better than today,
But in the morning light it looks the same;
Life just goes on.

He takes care of his family, he takes care of his work,
And every Sunday morning he takes his place at the church;
And somehow he still feels a need to search,
But life just goes on.

[Chorus]
But there’s more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

So where do we start to find every part
Of what makes this life complete;
If we turn our eyes to Jesus we’ll find
Life’s true beginning is there at the cross where He died.
He died…

To bring us more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.
[end]

it’s one of my favourite songs. it’s a Christian song, but i think it applies to anyone at all. there is definitely more to this life. life seems to be pretty centered around materialistic things. people become materialistic, important values hardly ever matter to them anymore. and sometimes you wonder, what DOES matter to them? people get hurt everyday, in every way. what do people who hurt them get out of it anyway? life has indeed become different..it just suddenly struck me, this song. the meaning of the words are so deep..it does take a while to digest it.

i don’t know if it’s the time of the day which is making me become sappy, or my brains suddenly decided to produce sentiments in me or what.. hmmm.

i said earlier,that i was lying in bed,thinking. what was i thinking about?i feel that, on my part, life is really complacent. and that is why the song struck me.many things have struck me actually apart from this song.a few articles i received in class address certain issues people don’t even know about, people don’t even know it’s happening around here, people aren’t aware of what is happening around them.and it is either because of blatant ignorance or they’re purely in the dark about it.our world has become so rotten on some parts.so have people… 

i am soooooooooooo frustrated. i just typed something and it’s gone. ish ish ish ish ish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg, i feel so damn fooled by the stupid laptop.i should’ve saved that part of the blog!!now it’s gone. DAMN!!

well… i was saying about friends.

i said,earlier in the day, i was talking to my sister about friends.i told her,friends come and friends go.they are ONLY your friends, and they’re only your TRUE friends when they’re still there,holding you up in your lowest moment in life.i regret that, up till now,i don’t have anyone who is really really very close to me.my close friends now are my close friends,but none of them are close enough to be the same as a best friend.(no offence to anyone). i feel like i’ve developed this kind of fear or reluctance or something of being too close to anyone.it’s like,there’s no pain involved in being just like that.and sometimes,i get sad (and a lil jealous!) that others can have best friends.best friends,who can share everything with each other,their lives and all that, someone you can count on,someone who will be true to you at any given time or place.that one person,is hard to find.i seem to treat everyone equally.there are pros to it.but there are bad sides as well.not bad sides, per se, but more like disadvantages.well..i guess i just gotta live with it,since i chose to live it like that, right?

kenny is leaving for NZ sometime in march.time’s flying.and it makes me wonder,how do people just leave EVERYTHING behind, and decide to go overseas,to pursue their studies,find better career opportunities or migrate?it’s like going all the way back to kindergarten to learn ABC.you begin a whole new life there,new friends,new home,new environment,new society,new culture,new lifestyles,new people,new systems, new EVERYTHING.just the same you.how do you adjust to that?well,a lot of people i know have flown off,they seem to be doin pretty well,some are doin so well that they ‘look well’.some are doin so well that they had a new makeover for life.well,someday i do hope to go overseas,if not for studies,at least for a holiday!it’ll be great to see what the world is like beyond the window of malaysia. =)

there’s so much to do,and think about. and right now,the best thing to do is hit the sack.at the rate my brains are working now,i can blabber on just about anything. so, signing off at 3.29 am. goodnight =)

i know, i know, it’s kinda late to show off this picture since christmas was like 2 months ago. SUE!! i never knew you uploaded this pic! never got it till i browsed thru your profile and found it. lol. hehehe

look at us! (and see my sesat sister who stood up on us for not wearing a saree! =p) i’m glad that we’re still close in some and many ways =) we used to be really close back then huh..but times have changed,our lives have diverged into different paths, different everything. but still, we come to the same church! lol. hehe. love you gals! the point of this is actually… i have no idea. i just thought it’ll be nice to show the whole world the 5 of us =) well,well, i still have my sister living under the same roof as me, and sue studying under the same roof as me too. yay =)

To sing yun, kenny, shaun, debbie, aple, steph liew, steph tan, suat mei, gwendolyn, and all my chinese friends out there that i missed mentioning. HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!! =) happy embracing the prosperity and joy that this new year will bring you.

and to all my not-so-chinese friends out there, happy CNY to you too!! happy peeling and eating oranges and getting ang paus! =)

it’s the holidays! not holidays la, but still some 3 days break from college and work and everything. but still there’s a backlog of work waiting for me.muahaha.

chinese new year is so quiet this year. it’s raining too. usually there’ll be fireworks and crackers and the lion dancers all in my neighbourhood, but not that much this time. i like the lion dance. i’ll go stand in opposite the house where it goes on and watch it, every year without fail since it came there! so fascinating la to see it =) and i got loads of oranges this year. but NO ANG PAU!!! sigh sigh sigh. at least if i did get ang pau, i’ll have some cash in my wallet right :p lolz. in my dreams lah.

i was suppose to continue my story from the last last blog. i was talking abt kfc and all. well, yeah that’s finished anyway. :p so yeah, sab dropped me off at the LRT after that and i took the train to kelana jaya station and stan picked me up from there, and we went to get his mom from her workplace. hehe. he was torturing me!! endlessly tickling me!! that is my big time weakness la - getting tickled. i think i’ve gotten a lot of it lately, and i fight back!! and that’s how i get more! hmmm… you must see his hand. poor thing. i scratched him and it’s got little marks. hehehe. but that was my weapon at that time - my nails. now it’s my teeth since my nails are short. hahahaha. and after that when we got home, i got a taste of his bday cake sample. hehehe. it was so funny, both our moms were there at his house, my mom went there to give tuition la. and then he sent us both back. and he came in, gave my parents the invitation card all and then stayed around for a while. weeheeheee.

the ad next to my blog says "britney spits out another baby". if it literally happened… it’ll be hilarious!!

i went clubbing the other day, on thursday night. it was ladies night. went to ruums, KL with my coll friends. a whole bunch of us gals, like 10 of us went there. it was damn fun la, i never went out with my coll frens like that before. it was so fun, dancing and drinking. not drinkin drinking la.. i just had a little.. *and got into a lil trouble for that. lol* but anyway, the dancing part was crazy!! we ended up goin on stage and shakin it man!! and i danced like hell,till my legs ached like hell! that was thursday night, and my legs are still aching today!! my God. but it was really coool la. we were there to celebrate sue’s and steph’s bdays. hoohoo. looks like clubbing will be often this year around.. since everyone’s turning 21! hahaha.

we left just before 3am la, they started playing techno shit for the last hour. and it was shit indeed, everyone just lost the mood to dance cos it was crap. so we left. i wasn’t drunk!! hahaha. i was really really sleepy cos the night before *which was valentine’s night* i hardly had sleep.. only 3 hours. lol. and yeah, i woke up for class and it was non stop la, till going out and everything. so finally when i stepped into the car i just knocked out. till we got back to our fren’s condo. it was so freaking cold, the fans were blasting and i slept on the floor, wrapped in my towel.i only slept at 5 ish am.. and woke up at 7.45 for class. hehe. they all asked me why i so rajin wanna go for class. and that’s cos i was the only one who had class among them. i made it anyway.

oh before that, on thurs, before goin out and all. after i finished my class at 2pm, i came back down to meet yogee and sab. omg, those two ppl were seriously mad. like SERIOUSLY!! they had a test in like and hour from then, and they just went totally kuku. they were dancing, and yogee shouted off and on, the whole foyer aread could hear!! then sab will do some beat box on the table. i forgot what you call that. it was super funny la. hehehe. it was 1 1/2 hours of laughing and laughing. i hope they did the paper with all the laughing goin on!! then i had an hour’s break from them when they went for class. and they came back, found me asleep on the couch in the foyer. hehe. i was waiting for them. and i made them stay with me till i had to go. where could they go anyway, cos it was poruing cats and dogs!! so yeah, we had another 1 1/2 hours of laughing and laughing. 3 hours of laughing with them la in total!! it was beserk-ness. and aiyo it was really really funny.

anyway, back to friday. after my class, i met up with the jokers again.and they thought i was havin a hangover la. what nonsense!! well i was talking rubbish, but i wasnt hungover! well, yeah they left after that. and i had another class. and then stan and edwin picked me up after that. i bumped into del and revats! =) well.. yeahh, they sent me back. and the rest is history. *trouble trouble*

i feel so lazy. what’s the date today? 19 February. let’s see, this week, i have a test, a seminar, a clubbing session again, kenny’s dinner thingie. and lent is starting this wed too! and next week, i have a test i think, presentation, discussions bla bla and bla.

i love earth, wind and fire!!! my sister said they’re coming down in concert. i dunno true or not, but if they do, i’m gonna go!!! and her coll is doing a tribute on them, they picked the right ppl!! earth, wind and fire rocks la. they’re so colorful!!! =)

today, we had a tough time deciding where to eat for lunch. thanks to the great minds of stanley and edwin. after debating and everything, i was seriously hungry, anything could enter my stomach. and finally the great guys picked a place. 10 mins sitting and debating la. finally. and stanley got high on his bru coffee. mad fella. hehehe. weee. and then they started racing la on the road. i wasn’t scared or what, i think i can get over it. it’s risky yes, but well. you noe la, guys and racing. but the only thing was my stomach was turning into a washing machine, cos we just ate and he had to drive like that. gila!! and they were looking for somewhere to play pool. everywhere was closed!! hehehee. poor things. we drove aimlessly after that. and finally i got home at 5 pm.. and slept like a pig after that!! hahahaa. raining what.

i’m obsessed with EWF now.. haha. byebyebyebye!!!! =)

omg. i can never ever get over my fear of cockroaches!

early today morning, one of my friends, justin’s dad passed away. it was quite shocking actually. it all came so fast. and it happened so fast.i think his family didn’t expect this to happen.. cos he was due to be discharged already soon, and suddenly he suffered a stroke..

i went to the hospital with stanley as soon as i heard it saturday afternoon. but we didn’t make it to see him cos ICU was doing their maintenance job and so visiting hours would be later.. and then the next thing i heard from justin was that the docs said he wouldn’t make it through the night.. and the next thing, he was gone.

justin looked strong. i’m sure it’s a terrible feeling. i can’t even imagine being in that situation. his sister and mom looked really down. i felt so bad when i got to know everything that happened. i don’t think they were prepared for it, and that’s why i felt really bad.

well, i hope justin and his family will be ok in time to come.. we’re here for you, justin whenever you need us.

hahaha… today, yogee looked like an animated lizard!! i dunno lah. this is suppose to her blog title :p

but yeah, my imagination just ran a little wild and loose. so at that moment, she made this terribly funny n weird expression at the same time, so it just looked like an animated lizard to me!! muahahaha.

i’m in sab’s hse now. i’m a refugee today. bouncing between sab’s and subba’s hse, probably :p just felt like hangin out with the gals today. went to kfc. and had my lunch!! our lunch actually. so yummy yummy.hadn’t had kfc in a long long time! sab also said, wow, B, you’re actually out with us! i’m like yeah. how often do i get to do that right…….. so for fun la.

we were laughin and laughing our heads and butts off la. rocking from side to side. LOL. well, we just only left.. like 20 mins ago or somethin. and so fast i’m blogging! kuby kuby. thanks for your comment. i liked it, but i can’t be bitten or eaten by you!! then what’ll be left of me? actually you can bite off all the fats around lah. :p lolz. but don’t make me deformed la k. weeeehehehee

tataaa!

(i’ll continue another time, quite the bored now)

hey peeps..

guess what? life’s like that. JUST LIKE THAT!!!! actually, i dunno what’s the point i’m trying to make. heheh

coll life has been pretty hectic. full of group discussions, presentations and all that. and coming up, midterms and quizzes. all happening one after the other. including headaches, backsides aches and periods. aaaaargh!!!!! i keep telling yogee and sabby we need to hire a driver!!! strike a number and hire a driver. travelling time qill be tremendously cut down. oh, if not, i wished and wish that magic carpets really did exist!! if they did, i’ll be first in line to get it man.and i am soooo laid back on my working hours also. keep postponing it, and never get it done.come next week, i’ll have to work extra.and since CNY hols are comin up too.boy oh boy.

next wednesday is valentine’s day!! and you know what? i have to go for a church meeting at night. spoiler lah!!! we asked out lecturer for a holiday too :p Lol. why didn’t they make valentine’s a universal holiday?? or a public holiday. then everyone can get a holiday, on the day where love is in the air.. hahahah. but of cos, i doubt i’m gonna celebrate it in the typical way. what’s the typical way anyway? flowers, chocolates, too much sweet talk, lovey dovey mushy mushy convos. hmmm.. teddy bears, stuffed toys? dinner, lunch, movie. what wouldn’t be typical of valentine’s day? i think even sitting at home doin nothing is typical! or sleeping, watchin tv. so what isn’t typical of valentine’s day? maybe stuff like… flying kites, catching fish *bloop bloop*.. or rolling on the floor and laughing your butt off. honestly, i have NO IDEA what i am talking about. all that was absolute crap that slipped out of my mind straight into my blog. i dunno what to do for valentine’s day. i know one thing for sure, i’ll wake up, on the way to coll (in the train or shuttle van),at 7 am somethin in the morning, i’ll send stan a msg saying "happy valentine’s day". the rest, is yet to be thought of =) those days when we were single, we’d celebrate valentine’s with each other, one big gang. buy nonsense and give each other, just wish everyone happy valentine’s day. and brag about how proud we were to be still single and unattached like typical valentine’s day ppl. hehe, now most of us are the latter!! hahahaha. but still, if i got the chance, i’ll celebrate valentine’s with yogee and sab in coll :p that’s if they are NOT SO BUSY la. muahahah!!

a string of events (not-so-good events) have happened.. well, it’s not my story to tell, but it affects me in some way. it’s an eye-opener to me. makes me more wary of the way i live my life. *i want a chocolate* no, that didn’t have anything to do with anything. i just have these sudden cravings for things at odd times of the day

i’m in my 6th week of coll, but i still feel like i just started. that’s how fast time has flown.

there’s a virus in my comp. muahahaha. i’m crazy.

i missed writing about the funny things that happened. but i guess kuby and yogee have already done that, right gals?

i’m in some pathetic feeling. hmmm…

kenny!! you’re leaving mid march! before your bday! how can you go before that? hmmm…. everyone’s slowly turning 21. and just like every year, i’ll just have to wait for the end of the year. to turn 21, when everyone’s already 21. but it’s ok i don’t look forward to being and looking old. lol. ash left today so fast. well, at least i got to see her last nite, and give her 2 strawberry sweets as a going away gift hehehe.

i think i’m gonna go on a fruit diet. fruit diet, chocolate diet and what else? hmmm.. whatever la, getting fat already. SOMEBODY said he’ll make for me a workout schedule, since i’m so lazified.. lazy i mean :p but you know, up till now, that certain SOMEBODY hasn’t done it, and today he said he’d do it, but i doubt he will. hahaha!!! no offence sweetheart! =D

CNY is coming. it sounds so mellow.. no one is excited about blowing fireworks, getting ang paus, peeling oranges? every year, each festival loses its spark. EVERY occasion and festival. and every year, my ang pau money gets LESSER!!! =( it adds up to my piggy bank la.. but no ang pau then how?? i think soon. they’re gonna have to break the tradition of only married/older ppl giving angpaus.. younger ppl also must give, since they seem to be richer than the seniors. :p and then also, give angpaus to non-chinese too, so that we also can enjoy the prosperity of CNY. i’m seriously crapping. i dunno what has gotten into my grey mass. maybe it’s turning into purple mass!! uh ohhhh……………………………

i feel like flying away, and running off into the meadows. are there meadows in malaysia? oh, and i feel like going for a christian concert. i’m just saying, dont know whether there are any also.

i have a test on saturday, and here i am blogging.well, i’m gonna sleep soon, so that when i awake, i’ll be fresh and fresh =D

goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooodnight!!